Dread day

So I have known that this day is coming for several long months (dreading it coming) and now that it is here, well it is still weighing on me.

I have had so many thoughts, feelings, and emotional outbursts since July 1st that I figured I had better write it all out and try to get it off of my chest, off my mind, off my heart.

Today was supposed to be the "due date" of our third child. We were so excited that it also fell on my father-in-law's birthday. I know in my heart of hearts that this little one probably would have been early like his/her big sister and brother but I am still clinging to this date because it was/is a tangible time for me.

I have been falling into the "what if's" again even though I have tried not to go there. I even what if'd my way to looking at a Chinese birth chart because I thought that maybe it would make me feel better to "know" what my baby's sex could have been. (Now for those of you that know me well don't think that I have gone off the deep-end because I know that there will be a time when I meet this little one face-to-face & ONLY then will I know the person that he/she was.)

I have been trying different things that were suggested to me from dear friends who have also been through miscarriage. Some of them bandaid the pain for a little bit but it seems to migrate back to me. 

It seems compounded when each month I wind up not pregnant yet. It makes me question God's timing. It makes me want to demand that God bend to my time-line. Maybe that is what this very hard life lesson is about.....learning to accept God's timing and ultimate authority over my life. It is a very hard pill to swallow when you want something so very much.

Perhaps some day I will be able to look back on this season of my life and say, "Oh that is why." Perhaps not. 

In the meantime, I am thankful that I have a husband who is supporting of my major mood swings in reagards to this topic and that I have two precious babies that also need me to be in the here and now. And remembering.....

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. 
Hebrews 13:8