My emotions rubbed raw......

Tuesday, November 9th, 2010

We were absolutely elated to find out we were pregnant with our third child. Kendall was beyond excited & got to tell her daddy, grandparents, aunts/uncles the big news.

November 18, 2010

My world shattered.

How could someone I have only known for 9 days affect me so much?

Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart for my holy purpose.

Jeremiah 1:5

Every good gift & every perfect gift is from above.

James 1:17

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

you formed me in my mother's womb.


I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!


Body and soul, I am marvelously made!


I worship in adoration—what a creation!


You know me inside and out,


you know every bone in my body;


You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,


how I was sculpted from nothing into something.


Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;


all the stages of my life were spread out before you,


The days of my life all prepared


before I'd even lived one day.
Psalm 139:13-16 

I woke up to abdominal and back cramps plus bleeding. We immediately left to go to the ER even though in my heart I knew that there was nothing that could be done.

The nurse was kind, she offered statistics on how every 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. What I wanted to do was shout "I don't care.....this is my baby not a stat."

She told me that it was nothing I did that it was a natural process. My heart & head were screaming WHAT IF.....

WHAT IF

it was the traffic accident I had 6 days earlier

WHAT IF

it was the furniture that I moved

WHAT IF........

He or She only looked like this.......

But in my eyes I already was envisioning whether or not the baby would look like my two sweet children. How we were going to rearrange furniture to fit all 3 of them in our home. What I could sew & make special for this baby. That I was looking forward to once again feeling a baby move, kick, and share my body one last time.

A friend sent me this.....

I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more. Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years…”. Isaiah 65:19

It helped soothe my soul for a little bit. But I know in my heart that I will always remember

November 18, 2010

and

July 16,2011

when our sweet little love was due.

So for now......

we will be planting some tulip bulbs that my sweet friend, Star, gave to me. They will not look like much now but come spring I know that they will be beautiful & give me a little hope. A little glimpse of the beauty that this little one is bringing into our lives.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

Revelation 21:4